Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
