my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
