yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
