I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
