saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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