Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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