If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
