my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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