I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
