I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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