I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I stole a fireplace last night.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
