Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
