it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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