I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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