I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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