Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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