so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
