my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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