bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
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You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
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You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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