I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
