he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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