soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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