Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
