True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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