The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
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i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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