New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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