my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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