The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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