everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
home. puking in laundry basket.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
