dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
