if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize