she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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