He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
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He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
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I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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