dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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