I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
