I wish you could order shots online.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
