I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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