i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
