so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
