How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
