I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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