You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
