No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
