I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
