I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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