I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
