chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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