i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
