you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
