What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
