Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
