my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
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i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
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I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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