Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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