Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
