Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
